Hardware & Sex with Raven Alexis: Social Networking … Ish

So it’s Friday afternoon, I’ve finished my editing, updated my websites, made my phone calls, and I’m faced with a few hours. What else is a girl to do? I mean, it’s been a few days. So I grab my vibrator and head to my favorite spot (We’ll talk about that later). I switch it on and place it ever so perfectly on my… Then it hits me! I forgot to answer my MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, and texts.

Ok… as turned on as I am, I’ve got to get this done. I fire up MySpace and start answering my fans. Now don’t get me wrong; I love social networking sites. I actually love reaching out and hearing what my fans have to say… but then I get to this message: “Yo what up mommy… Why don’t you hit me wit yo digits so we can hit it sum time”. Yes, it actually said wit. Maybe the kind gentleman writer was referring to a competitive sport in which an object called a “digit” is hit back and forth. Actually, it’s far more likely he was attempting to communicate to his mother on MySpace. You know how it is… you write a very nice message to your mom and end up sending it to some random porn star… gosh how embarrassing for him.

Well, being the responsible little worker bee that I am, I progress onward to Facebook. I log in and what do you know, my account has been deleted. Apparently the words “adult actress” are offensive to some people clicking on my profile. I sincerely and completely understand how my completely clothed cell phone mirror pics could be offensive; I was probably having a bad hair day. Hey but there’s an upside to this – it must mean I’ve reached an echelon where I’m a recognizable adult actress – does this mean I’m actually famous? OMG!!! (Please detect the sarcasm).

All right, so I log on to Twitter. I sit for a moment and try and figure out what I’m going to post. Well, the truth is always good so I ramble off something about getting ready to do this, that and the other thing with my vibrator, and maybe try a few new positions. That always seems to go over well and hey, it’s the truth. Having redeemed my faith in social networking, technology, and even managing to turn myself back on, I decide to answer my texts and get down to business.

I grab my iPhone and what do you know… there’s a text from an unknown number. It reads, “wat up bb   u wuz on ma shit in tha club   u no u want it shawty so cum n get sum aight?  u no wuz up  c u at the spot”  Hmmmm…. well… for the record, I can matter of factly guarantee that I wasn’t at the club, I don’t know where the spot is, and I certainly would never be “on this person’s shit”. That’s just vile. Obviously, it would appear this was a text to a wrong number, but it really got me thinking. I mean, how could you not be turned on by this absolutely classy, ever so eloquently spoken and overly romantic Romeo? I’m tearing my panties off right now just thinking about wuz up. Ok, let’s be realistic… a girl’s got to have standards. If this guy honestly texts like this, it’s utterly possible he may speak like this in real life. What would that even sound like?

Anyway, I put my phone down, turn my computer off, and grab my vibrator once again. I admit, the last few minutes have been trying and it takes a bit of massaging before I’m ready to turn it on again. And then… nothing… I flip the switch on and off again and still… nothing… Seriously? Obviously, I’ve pissed the technology gods off for the moment and clearly, a relaxing afternoon is not in store. Well, I could always contact that gentleman and go out and knock the old digits around the uh… digit court. He seems like such a nice boy

-Raven Alexis

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