There are things about the porn industry that nobody tells you about when you start out in this business. Now, as I’m celebrating my first full year as a performer, I have come to reflect upon some things that have made me realize how far I have come.
Who can you trust in order to function effectively in this industry? That’s the single most important question. I recently made a big move – from San Francisco to Los
Angeles, and as everyone who has ever worked in any area of the entertainment business in Southern California will tell you, it really comes down to who you can trust. Life here is entirely about trust.
Before I moved south, I shot some scenes with a photographer who then new to me but he shot my photos in Transformation magazine — I was also their cover girl back in
April — and they came out great, so I entrusted him to shoot for my website. I always want my scenes to look spectacular and I have no doubts about his abilities to make that happen. It made me realize how much I need to be thankful because it’s not always easy finding good people to work with.
Here’s an example that didn’t work out: A few months ago, I was recommended to someone who owned a facility in Signal Hill that he was renting out for private parties but
when I contacted him, he wasn’t happy that I wanted to use his space to shoot porn. He was very particular about who wanted to rent his place. I loved his place and really wanted to shoot there but there were too many rules I had to deal with and it was too complicated. He also wasn’t thrilled about the fact that I happen to be a transsexual!
So that was that. And here’s another weird one: Back when I was starting out, I had to perform a scene with a genetic girl, but she was just not into the sex. It was
obvious that she was doing it merely for the paycheck. The eventual scene looked hot, I’ve been told, but in reality she was not as sexually responsive as she should have been (at least, not to the level I am used to!) Even worse, she couldn’t even make conversation so that we could be sociable before we started shooting, since an “ice breaker” always helps before you actually have sex. All she could manage was some boring small talk and it all went downhill from there.
However, that kind of sex scene is actually important to me, because lately I have been working more with women and am also trying to incorporate women into my
personal life. The truth is I do find women attractive, but I’ve never been completely comfortable with having one woman in a room with me for sex — it has to be with a woman and a man, a threesome, in order for me to feel comfortable about intercourse. So I’ve been doing some experimentation and I want to reach out to others who may have the same conflicts, like other transsexuals who like women and need to deal with that when it comes to sex. This is important to me because I actually see myself as doing a form of outreach, particularly from a male–to-female perspective, and it’s also a personal thing in my own quest to balance out my own happiness.
I know I do have this robotic side to me, where it’s constantly about “Push, push, push,” so I can get my career going the way I should. The work I do might seem like fun
to my fans but I can tell you it can take a toll on you. After a while, you need to find ways to control your situation, to maintain your own standards. Because, as I’ve said before in a previous column, work is work — whether you’re fucking for the camera or working as a secretary. You have to completely put your energy and mentality into it, and I don’t ever judge it like, “Oh, it’s just porn!”
I really believe that when you’re trying to be professional about something, you should treat it as an act of perfection. That work ethic has been embedded in me for some time now and I will never change that. It’s something you owe to yourself. Which brings me back to my original point: Filming is a collaborative effort – a quest for perfection that involves finding the right people to share your vision with, the ones you can trust.