Good sex, especially the first time with a new lover, is really more about knowing what not to do and where your own limitations might lie then about some crazy maneuver you undoubtedly won’t be able to pull off anyway in an attempt to make your penis resemble a soft serve machine.  Around the time you’re getting ready to bring out the BIG guns, realize you’re bringing them to a knife fight.

You’ve chased a girl down the street and pretended to compliment her yippy dog to get her number.  You’ve painstakingly planned a date and you have inevitably been envisioning your grandmother’s tits for the past two hours to keep your erection in check in an effort to be a gentleman.  I know that must be difficult because she spent the previous two hours before your date painstakingly selecting something to wear designed to have just that effect on you.  We women can be ruthlessly hypocritical in our execution.  So you’ve got her home and in the vicinity of the bed, couch…no, no, no, not the kitchen table.  Kitchen tables are heavy artillery and your entire goal at this point is to just try really hard to not fuck this up.  Remember, we’re hypocrites.  I want you to fuck me on the kitchen table… I just don’t want you to know right away that I’m the type of girl who wants you to fuck me on the kitchen table.  See what just happened there?

Girls love to be stripped out of their clothes.  There is just something ungodly sexy about a man revealing you in all your naked glory, especially for the very first time.  Dim the lights.  She might ask you to turn them right back on so you can see every inch of her, but the idea here is to make her comfortable.  To start slow while she becomes more comfortable, not vice versa.  Being uncomfortable gives me an ungodly painful fake headache.

This is not the time to reach behind your bed and pull out the Hitachi that is plugged in and ready to go, either.  Yes, you’re undoubtedly aware of the female love affair with the vibrator that runs on so much power it literally plugs into the wall.  Yes, that apparatus can get me more turned on them oral sex ever could in under ten seconds… except the first time with a new man.  Then all I can think about is why it was literally still plugged in and debating if it was you using it last or another woman.  (Bet you didn’t know men could have fun with a Hitachi too, huh?  But I digress…) this is the time for some good old-fashioned oral sex.  Receiving oral sex can be very intimate for a woman, but it also forces her to literally open up and let down her inhibitions, a lack of which is a huge factor in how good sex is for women.  This is your first time with her.  I wish I could tell you that there was some magic formula that I could impart so that you could give her the best oral sex ever that has her begging for more and drenching your sheets.  The reality is that ask a women how she likes a man to go down on her, and you’ll get a different answer from every woman.  In fact, you’ll probably get a different answer from the same woman every time you ask her.  You’re fighting an uphill battle, so the key is to start slow and soft and work your intensity up while reading her cues until you figure out what she likes.  Don’t worry about it taking a few extra minutes.  It’s not much different then giving good head.  There’s really no such thing as bad head, except for really bad head.  I can hurt you with my teeth, but you can hurt me with your tongue… so start soft and gentle.

I’ll disclaim that I am more sensitive than most.  However, I am also quite vocal.  Not every woman feels comfortable telling you what she wants or when your pressure is too intense.  I would know, I used to be one until I just couldn’t take one more painfully hard tongue thrashing at my poor overly sensitive clit.  (Personally, I prefer a soft pressure and slow speed with the flat side of the tongue over my clit at a gradual build).

This brings me to biting.  Nibbles are hot.  There’s a reason they’re called love bites.  If you bite my nipple too hard, though, it will turn black and blue and literally peel for the next three days as a constant reminder why I am never giving you the opportunity to do that to me again.  Unless you are specifically asked, this is bringing a gun to a knife fight and is best don either with the utmost care or not at all on a first encounter.  You are not Christian Grey.  If you were, we would be in your dungeon and everything you’ve just read would be an entirely moot point.

Besides, unless I am mistaken, what you’re really hoping to do is put your throbbing penis inside this girl and you’re just trying to create a suitable moist environment without her faking an impressive headache before you’ve had the chance to do so.  Again, start slow and build up the intensity.  Everyone like a jackhammer for a few minutes, just not right Try not to mention how much you’d like to slam your cock up her ass.  Seriously.  It’s totally hot but if you bring this up too soon you’ll probably never get the opportunity.  This includes asking to play just the tip, even jokingly.

Unless you just picked this chick up at the bar where she was sloppily belting out anything by Carrie Underwood.  In this case, ignore everything I just said and break out the Hitachi.  She probably won’t remember anyway and who knows, maybe she squirts… and that’s always kind of cool.