I am going to be extremely honest with my story and my feelings about my first time on camera. It seemed fun at the time and it was, but in hindsight, it was pretty bad. I met a shooter for Grooby’s Shemale Yum at a club in West Hollywood on a night passing out flyers for a trans art and performance event with some friends. It was purely chance. One of my friends pointed him out and I thought it would be cool to go give him and the girl he was with (who is actually one of my best friends now) a flyer to come to our event and chat him up. At that point I was pretty inebriated. We ended up talking about what he did for a living and he asked if I was ever interested in getting in to adult work. I took his card and gave him a flier and went home later that night. I wanted to think about it. After giving it some thought, I decided it would be beneficial in a couple ways. I thought it would be easy extra money and I could help break open my shell from being such a reserved person. That decision really changed my life in a number of ways…some that I regret and others I don’t. After contacting him back and not getting any reply from him I decided to contact Shemale Yum’s admin Steven with some photos I had taken. He was pretty quick to reply and then his photographer followed very quickly after. And just like that it was set up to go.

The night of the shoot I was very nervous. I have a lot of anxiety issues and it was getting the best of me so I decided to try something else that I would never do and that was to take some pills to calm down. Never taking it before, I took an entire bar of Xanax. I had no idea you were supposed to break it up in to fourths or something. Well my anxiety was completely gone by the time I got to the photographers house after work in the evening. Not only was it completely gone, but I was totally out of it. I showed up late to the set after getting lost and a speeding ticket for trying to make up the time. I did however have everything that I was asked to bring, which was a couple outfits to choose from and two forms of ID. So after getting there and filling out the paperwork and getting dressed, we begin to shoot.

I had no idea what I was doing and on top of that I was completely out of it. If you watch the video, it totally looks like I was on drugs. We shot two photo sets and two videos and then when it was all over, I got my money and we went out to the same bar that I had met him at with his girlfriend. I still had no idea why I felt the way I felt because I had never taken anxiety medication before. After going to the bar and getting something to eat and sober up after I went home. I actually had to end up calling in sick the next day to work because I was out so late and had a bad hang over.

I don’t remember how much time passed from when we shot until the sets were published, but it seemed like a while. Once the first one went up I realized what I had done. I never did my makeup. I never did my hair. I never shaved in areas I should have shaved in. I seemed completely wasted in the videos. I just looked like crap. I felt really bad and personally responsible for making myself look stupid and unprofessional. In hindsight I just don’t think I was properly prepared and had no idea what I was getting in to. I expected a lot more out of “porn” than what it was. Like studio lighting and makeup artists and just more grand than what it actually was.

I’ve seen a lot of people placing blame upon shemale yum and their photographers for taking advantage of trans girls who don’t know what they are getting into and there is some advantage being taken there quite honestly, but in reality, it is every person’s own responsibility for properly informing themselves when getting in to situations like this. I regret that first time only because I was stupid about how I did everything, but overall I don’t regret it because I learned a good lesson from it and it did get me a start somewhere. Because of that decision to do that shoot and everything that has followed after as a result of getting in to the adult industry I have had the opportunity to have a job where I can be a student and do better for myself once I’m done with the adult industry and out of school.