If you asked me 7 years ago if I would ever do porn, I would laugh and said, “yeah right”. This would quickly be followed by “I would never have the balls to have sex on camera”. Now if you followed my response with “yeah, there is no way I could see you doing that”, well, now I would just have to prove I could do it. And basically, that is how I decided to do porn. There is obviously more to it, but I always considered it to have started based on a dare (so to speak) between my ex-husband and I.
Before I go further into my story, I should briefly go backwards to give you an idea of what kind of girl I was, sexually speaking, going into this. I did not have the stereotypical, hypersexual, wild, rebellious, persona that one might think someone would have to have in order to get into the adult industry. In fact, I was insecure, shy (sexually), had the worst self-esteem imaginable, and hated giving blowjobs. I lost my virginity at 16, but only because my self-esteem was so bad I thought if I didn’t do it when I had the chance I never would. I didn’t have my first orgasm until I was 23, maybe watched twice, and had never owned a vibrator, or any kind of toy, for that matter. So you can see, my decision to try porn was kind of a big leap.
But more importantly, I hated my job working as an executive marketing assistant and wanted the opportunity to go back to school to get licensed in Couple counseling with an emphasis in sex therapy. I started modeling, doing trade shoots with rookie photographers on the weekends just for fun. Since I always leaned towards more artistic photography, I began doing some topless, which I was surprisingly comfortable with. It was from here, where I began to think that if I am okay being topless/naked in photos, why not get paid. So we did the research, and next thing I know, I am sitting in front of September Dawn, owner of what was, Exotic Star Models. I told what I wanted to do and she explained “Well, no one really does just photos, they do photos and video”. This is where the dare came in and even more so, I saw this as being an opportunity to go back to school. That is, of course if I could get through my 1st scene. To be honest, neither my ex, nor I believed I actually would go through with it, but I am a sucker for a challenge, so I went for it.
I agreed to start with solo and girl/girl jobs, and soon enough I was booked on my first job ever. It was a solo masturbation scene on the best possible day to get my porn cherry popped, Easter Sunday. I had the day planned where I would be on set first thing in the morning then done in time to meet the family for a late lunch. Almost immediately after I arrived at the house for hair and makeup the director pulled me into one of the rooms, opened the closet, and said, “Pick 3 and make sure they gradually increase in size”. In front of me stood an entire (large) closet filled with dildos, in every size, shape, and color imaginable. It was frightening. Considering I had no experience with dildos, I chose based on size and which ones looked the coolest. Unfortunately, I wasn’t getting away with the 3 small dildos I selected, so after a bit of back and forth, we were able to compromise. I was then walked over to hair and makeup. I can honestly say that I didn’t know there were quite so many things that needed fixing on my face until I sat down in that chair. Especially since I rarely wore makeup and would pride myself on the fact that I was able to get ready to go out faster than any guy I ever dated. Once my hair and makeup was done we were off to the actual shoot location, a house that I would eventually come to know very well. As soon as I arrived, everything was just about ready to go, so I rushed to get dressed. After a short struggle with some difficult thigh highs I stumbled out of the room in heels I still don’t know how to walk in and was met in the hallway by someone who quickly handed me a douche then pointed to the bathroom. Trying not to look like a complete moron, I smiled, said “okay” took the douche and made my way to the bathroom. I opened the box took one out and found myself staring at a bottle of liquid and no clue as to what I should do next. Being well aware of the people waiting on me to get the shoot started, I went into panic mode. I couldn’t even figure out how or where the bottle opened. After some time I decided to swallow my pride, walked out of the bathroom and said “I don’t know how to open this”. Of course it ended up being super simple, making me feel really dumb, and in my embarrassed state, was about to masturbate… for the camera. I would be lying if I said I remembered the details of the shoot once we starting rolling. I was probably so overwhelmed with emotions of nervousness and excitement on top of everything I was supposed to be doing, that it turned out to be all a blur. What I do remember though was as I drove away that day I knew that this was something I was meant to be doing. For the first time, I found a job that was fun, exciting, and that I actually looked forward to going to. Although there are numerous reasons I could give to explain why I love my job, it is largely based on the fact that I feel like I am able to be myself, doing something that makes me happy, and everyone who watches my movies happy as well. And I do believe that we should always try to do what makes us happy.