Sometimes, when I think about my job, I really wonder what kind of life I want to build. It’s tough because at this age, you don’t exactly know what you want. It’s a balance between not wasting your time and using time to figure yourself out.

Minimal time wastage is important to me, and that’s why I became an escort.

When I was a KTV girl, I realized that many Chinese girls can make up to $10,000 a month, with an apartment of their own to boot, but we local girls don’t know how to play that game (and that’s why I left!) and, frankly, it’s really about the money, popularity and how expensive the restaurants we’re visiting.

Right up till now, though, I see my former fellow KTV girls struggling for to switch jobs because it’s not exactly possible to finance their lavish lifestyle on their own. The main problem is how competitive it has become. Compared to two years ago when I was entering the scene, things were very different. There was more pressure to start a family and get married at a younger age. My older friends tended to say “Fuck this, I do what I want,” but they didn’t see the commitments involved. They don’t see it the way I did, having to start out late in the work force and grinding your teeth through a low salary during your entry-level years.

Basically, reading back on this column, I’ve come to see the blatant disparity of the two different lifestyles I’m leading – my “escort” life and my “normal” life. For instance, clients didn’t complain about prices because things were considered reasonable back then, but now it’s hard to get a local girl and there are so many foreigners in Asia. And everything has changed — no one appreciates the sensuality, the “girlfriend experience,” anymore. Everyone just wants a hot girl with big boobs who will just (pardon my language) fuck and run.

I think that’s how local men are brought up to be, and I find it kind of sick. I mean, I know you’re paying for a service but we’re not objects, you know. We’re here to provide you with the “experience” and I just got sick of the whole mentality, the whole entitlement thing.

And, for me, most of my clients are local because of my size, my body type. I have a girlfriend who is an independent escort who is a lot curvier than me and she has no trouble attracting foreign clientele. Asian men prefer girls of a smaller build so I’ve even thought about using the money I made to get surgeries done. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, because no one’s going to look young forever.

And, for a guy, it’s easy to find a girl but, for me, I can’t pay someone to do that. I’m an escort and I don’t have to spend my hard-earned money on someone else, right? (And also, male escorts are way more costly — like $1,000 for a fuck — and I’m not paying for that!) So, I went into a work freeze recently because I needed a break. I needed to slow down after I’d hit my quota for the month, which is around $5,000, because I was just mentally tired.

In my other life, sometimes the negative energy carries on even though we try to compartmentalize, and I’m trying to balance my escort life with my other life and it gets tough — because it’s difficult to bring energy from one side to another, so both of my lives kind of suck. I know we are portrayed as glamour pusses but people sometimes can’t face the truth when you’re financing yourself. What am I doing when I am so emotionally tired and no one gets it?!!!

Basically, people need to know that I fuck other men but at this point, I’m not getting enough back. The whole money-chasing thing can only last you that long before you go a little crazy up there. I do love chasing money but emotionally, I feel so underappreciated.

And time is getting shorter for me — people have ten years in this industry to work and I feel like I only have five. All these numbers get brought into my escort life and I look at them and I start panicking. How much more can I do in the next five years before I just completely shut down? Or how long till I can afford to escape?

I still love my job and it’s the life I lead now, but I’m telling you straight — look out before you leap, because I’m now realizing what the “double life” is like. It’s hardly healthy anymore and sometimes it’s really not much fun at all.