This was a big week for me, having won my first XBIZ Award, and those around me took note. Along with the well-wishing by peers and fans alike there have been questions as to how this would change things, if this honor made me feel complete. That got me to thinking about how self-esteem and worth can get so wrapped up in outside validation, is what I’ve accomplished worth what I’ve achieved without the pretty statue?
Since the first day that I joined the Industry, I have been striving to be the best performer I can in order to produce exceptional content and to captivate my audience by showcasing my versatility. So I would have to say that winning this year’s award for Transsexual Performer of the Year is a symbol of my accomplishment, of being recognized as an excellent consistent performer and a role model for others following the same path. However, my award is not a validation of success but an achievement, do not confuse the two.
An award does not dictate or quantify one’s success, although it may help open more doors. Success is based on the decisions you make and the hard work you dedicate to your goal. Winning this award is just the beginning for me. I have a new match point. I would not say I am truly successful yet, I have many more personal Everest’s to climb. There are so many doors yet to be opened, so many opportunities yet to be seized. A career in the Adult Industry can be short or long, it is up to the individual to dictate the direction and rhythm and I intend to stick around. Looking back over the past 2 years, I would sayI have been validated moreso by knowing that I have come so far by my own volition. I’m proud that I’ve managed to build a strong career without an agent, network or manager.
In all honesty, the award shows are amazing to attend, but if you are going there as a nominee expecting to win, then it is probably best to not have unrealistic expectations. Like any award ceremony, politics can be the determining factor of whether or not you win. Marketing value, product longevity, status and financial power are some of the few components that I feel play into the decision making process. So don’t look for completion in a trophy, you have to be satisfied that you tried, labored and pushed yourself as hard as you could to achieve your goal. Did the award validate me? Yes, honestly, I must say, it did to an extent, but it did not complete me. Had I not won, I would still believe in myself. I am still working as hard as ever regardless.
I will admit though…. It looks really awesome on my mantel.